(no subject)

  As time goes by the times I think about it get less often, I no longer wake up crying and I can think about the past without wanting to kill myself...but sometimes, something will trigger it, and it will come without warning. I'll feel it stronger than ever. I never thought Id get to the point where it doesn't hurt non stop, and Im here, and it bothers me that Im not that way anymore. i feel like ...heartless? I tried so hard to run from my feelings, i pushed it all aside, and now...where am I? I push everyone away, I cant sit still. I can't be alone with myself, I can't face anything...I run. I hide. and I avoid.
Whitney got onto me about how I push guys away, I let them get so close and then I run because Im afraid of being left...of getting hurt...of messing up...so Id rather not have it, not have a chance to lose it. Because I know what its like to have it and then it all get taken away, and thats the worst feeling in the world. Id rather not give anyone the chance to do that to me again
Then theres Donny. He's not like anyone Ive ever known...and I cannot have him. A guy comes into my life, tells me hes been crazy about me for years, he can remember a movie we went to together years ago...and he lives in Ohio. ha. 
I remember the first time I met him. ha I had such a crush on him...and obviously nothing happened. I never thought anything about it until the wedding....
blah...Im tired of doing it on my own. I need someone. something.
Im drowning...
I want to know what it feels like to be loved, to be protected, and to have someone know me...really know me and still want me around. Someone that respects me, someone that drives me crazy and makes me feel everything to the fullest...
I want someone that makes me feel like Im good enough, and feels he's lucky to have me...I wanna be held. Right this second i just wanna be wrapped up in a pair of strong arms and cry...be held while i cry...
Never in a million years did I think I would end up without Damon...and here I am. 7 years later realizing ....I have to move on. without him. I have given him everything I had to give...and now I need someone to feel the same way and put the same energy into me that I put into him...
My parents are gone. My brother is getting married. Tiffany is always working and sick. Whitney has Taylor. Kelsey has Jason...Im alone. 
whitney gets mad when I say that...she's constantly telling me i have tons of friends..yeah..but...i dont know...i need more. 

(no subject)

Im jumping in a direction I never thought Id be interested in going in...and Im enjoying it. I believe. Im scared. Im nervous and Im worried I won't be able to shut the door on something i know I no longer need...but...I spent so many years focused on it..and I don't know exactly how to let go..So..im living one day at a time and hoping one day I don't wake up and think about it, want it, miss it.
I know I'll never forget, and I know it'll always be a part of me. But Im hoping one day it will be a little less...that maybe what Im working toward will seem better. Will make me miss it a little less.

(no subject)

Sex. People do it for so many reasons. Me. Why did I do it? Lets see, I was raised being told it was wrong, I was raised knowing it was something meant for marriage. So, what made me do it? The first time I believe it was out of fear. I knew how many people were doing it, and I thought in order to keep the guy I was dating, I needed to. I ended up losing him anyways. Go figure. Then came Damon. I had been in love with him for years, and I wanted him to love me back, so...when we slept together, I felt an exceptance and love I had never felt before. It wasn't just sex, it was the way we cuddled after and how great it made me feel to know there was someone that knew me, everything about me, and still loved me. Then he left, taking that feeling away. I felt so lost and alone and I wanted to get that feeling back so I searched for it, and I never found it. I couldn't. So when he came back, I jumped at the chance to grab any little bit of it that I could. But he kept taking it back. He kept giving it, and taking it away. Everytime he hurt me, he broke a little bit of my heart. It still hurts and I still have a hard time getting past it. Why wasn't I good enough?

(no subject)

Ive spent the last two years putting my life back together, figuring myself out, growing, getting things straight...for what? In a matter of weeks everything seemed to just crash, starting with Geoff, then Damon and now just going back to my stupid ways, and feeling depressed, once again. I haven't felt depressed in a while, I haven't had a hard time getting out of bed in a while...and it's all coming back, Im scared to death. I have changed, and I know that because Im fighting all this with everything in me, but...what if it's not enough? What if I fail, again. Im sick of being known as drama seeking Kayla, I've been different for a while, and people seemed to notice, but then one thing happens and they just assume "Kayla" is back. Nevermind that it wasn't my fault, nevermind that I didn't ask for it, nevermind that its destroying me inside. I don't want to let people talking get to me, and I don't want to prove anyone right either. I want to be strong, and I want to get through this, but its hard. Plus, Im afraid. I waited to two years to date again, and I was ready...and now...Ive been screwed over so much I don't know if I can chance it again..i know you can't live in fear, but theres only so much a girl can take. besides...whos gonna want me now? Like Geoff so kindly stated, Im ruined. Ive been used, abused and thrown away, more times then I care to count, and Ive done my share of hurting as well. No matter how much I change and no matter how differently I look at life, thats still my past, and someone someday is going to have to look past that and still care about me, and the more that happens, the more I doubt that is possible. I wouldn't blame them, I don't know that I could love myself too much either. Im better than this, I know in my head that God loves me, that Im forgiven, different and I no longer have to worry about all that. God has made me good enough...but...it's hard to believe sometimes. I want to feel it, I want to see it...I know thats selfish, but Ive been doubting myself lately, and it'd be nice to feel loved, cared about, and excepted. I know I don't need a boyfriend, and I really don't want one at the moment, but I would love to feel that...I don't know..what do I do? Not tell a guy the ugly past and have him be crazy about me, or be honest and risk getting completely crusher like I did this past time...what nice options I have. Don't get me wrong, the past is the past and Im no ashamed of it, but I know how people react and I know how people view others...and it's hard for someone to look at me, the me now...and not see the past, and that makes it harder for them to except me. Is it so wrong to want to be excepted? Then...geesh, I want to do great things, I want to help people, I want to serve...but how can I do that if I can't get over all this junk...blahh. Theres so much going on in my head and it's driving me crazy. I feel alone. I know Im not..but what I know and what i feel are two totally different things lately. I constantly have that sunday evening feeling, like...you just had this great weekend, and then it hits you that you have to return to the real world on monday...what if the last year was just a great weekend and now I have to return to my normal way of life...getting hurt and hurting others. I refuse to let that happen. I have met some of the most amazing people and I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for, they have helped me and been there for me when most people would have just given up. Without them I don't think I would have made it this far. It doesn't help that I seem to fall for completely impossible untouchable people. Especially this current one, I mean, I know enough to know nothing will happen and I won't even let anyone know how I feel, but... the first sunday morning I saw him..he had something, and its so attractive. His heart and his drive. The way he serves others. haha He's much better without me.

(no subject)

I got in more trouble this week than was needed...I was so stressed because of everything thats been going on and I really just wanted to let all of it out...so..yeah...Damon came this week.
Ive spent 6 years trying to get him to realize what we have, and to get him to want to be around, and this week..i don't know, he met me halfway, i was surprised, not that I would ever think he wants to be with me, but..just being around him made me feel like i was at home, I was safe, things calmed down and everything around me seemed like it should be...really it's just how the past was, and what Im used to, and then today...life is back to normal, Im back to being alone, and lost. And nobody can tell, well..Britt can, she even asked me about it,and Im glad, but...grr...I just want to find my way, everytime I start to think Im moving on and maybe Im not meant to be with Damon...this happens, and I just completely fall all over again. I know I can't sit around and wait, but...holding onto my heart and not letting anyone else close enough to get a piece of it might be actually worse. I can be talking to anyone, dating anyone, and then he calls,and no matter who it is, i can drop them...But when it comes to him. I can't, even if I wanted to. He's the love of my life. He's my Sonny Corinthos,

(no subject)

So, I promised myself I was done with live journal, but I can't seem to get everything out that I need to, and this seems like a pretty good way right now...
In the last year I have changed a lot, I have worked through some pretty serious issues and put my life back together, I have managed to do pretty good for myself, and in about ehh...the last month someone has tried to threaten that. I started dating Geoff, everyone liked him and then booomm...apparently he wasn't everything he said he was, because this week has been complete hell. He threatened everything I have worked so hard for, and it makes me angry. So angry I turned to an old friend, probably one of very few that understands exactly how far I've come. I was slightly surprised at how fast things changed. But, im not going to let him ruin things for me. I am stronger than that, and I have amazing friends and family to back me up.
ehh Im sitting on my bed right now, at home alone. Pretty excited that I might get the chance to relax tonight. I am really in the mood to go out and be stupid, but..i know that isn't the answer therefor, I stay home to keep myself in check.
oooh. On the flip side. Botswana was amazing! I want to go back so badly and I might actually do that for amonth in Jan. !! That would be so cool. I met so many people that mean so much to me, in my journal I wrote... Why am I homesick for a place that isn't my home..thats how I feel, homesick. I loved the place, I felt free...it was awesome, and thats where i met derek. ehh yes. Derek. Im really not sure how to describe him. He's unlike any person I've ever known, yet he completely understood me after knowing me a minute. It was almost like a movie. I remember the night, I was in a horrible mood, and we were at News Cafe, I didn't have a smile on my face and I wasn't talking to anyone, he randomly walked up and sat by me, told me my face was gross and had me smiling the whole night, his sarcasim and sweetness was so well combined he just made me feel right, He also looked past my smile and knew there was more, he got into my head, and heart faster than anyone I've ever known. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in the best friend that saves your life sort of way. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything, even though Im sure even if I would have tried, he would have read right through me, he has that way...ok, then there was Lorna, super cool chic.
That trip got to me bad. and I feel I need to go back.
So other than that, Im learning, and growing and just taking life one day at a time.

(no subject)

nothing I ever did was good enough, well thank you baby cause you made me tough.

If this is how you make it up to me then lets just end it

I don't like this feeling because whenever im around you i know i won't be respected, just neglected.

He said he wants to come in June. either way...I'll deal. Im used to being on my own, i almost don't want him to come because, then..he'll just leave again

(no subject)

 Alrighty. I haven't written like this in a while. Basically I need to get everything off my chest and theres no better way to do it sense my so called best friend Melissa has been MIA for a while now. I have a past. Im not perfect. I often think the world revolves around me, I am manipulitve and I like getting what I want. But Im loyal and passionate and would do anything for someone I care about. Lately there haven't been too many people on my list, it's like...the older I get, the more I want and the more I expect from those around me, which probably isn't right, but that doesn't change how I feel. I lost Melissa to yet another guy, maybe Im just jealous because I don't have anyone Im crazy about. Im lonely. I'd love to find a guy that I could love. Last year this time I was happier then I've ever been, and if I want to get that feeling back, Im the only one that can do it. I want more in life, I want to enjoy my life and not work to live...but somehow that makes me shallow. I want freedom. I want fun. I want to live. I've seen to many bad things happen to just sit around and wait for more...
Maybe Bart was right about me...but is that such a bad thing? I look out for myself because I know that at the end of the day, Im all I've got.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow...

 

(no subject)

Im talking to Damon right now. It's soo strange.

Ever feel like something isn't over? Although it would completely seem as if it were...it just doesn't feel right. He's always talking about missing kissing me and all that crap, but...I need more from him. I miss him more than words can say, and everyday that goes by, it gets worse, and I can't explain it, because nothing has ever gotten to me so much. I can get over anything just like that, but...in five years...ugh

will it ever get easier?

(no subject)

every once in a while I get to thinking...
How come I've known him for 5 years, yet it feel like when you're just getting to know someone, exciting, nervous, yeah...all the time. He gets to me just like he did in the beginnin. Its so weird because it's over, has been for a while, but it doesn't feel over, it doesn't feel like we're done...How come?
Anyways I don't really know. It's all sort of confusing. Im sort of stuck in a funk. It's like...I keep going back to things that used to make me happy, but ...they don't anymore..and then Im left looking for something new to make me happy. Im like at a four way stop and I don't know which way to go. I don't want to go backwards, but I don't know to go forward...then there leaves left and right...ick. I don't even know.
Sometimes it's just easier to run from it, but the more I run, the more it catches up with me, it's chasing me, and its ruining everything. I know I make no sence right now, but ehh oh well.
So much of me is gone, and I don't know if Im supposed to get it back, or just add different parts..
I know Im sick of waiting around....
It's march. Last year this time. I was happier than I've ever been. I remember going over to the guys house for the first time. I had on jeans and my brown top, and ashley was with me. the guys threw my shoes up on the ledge, and I went and got pizza and drinks with Damon. I tried so hard to hate him and be mad at him. He made it disappear so fast. Then there was the strawberry festival...Danny kept telling me his friend was crazy about me...we had such a blast. ehh oh well. i gotta go...life goes on